Does everything seem like too much these days? Get When Life Sucks: 21 Days of Laughter and Light Free when you join the Tiny Buddha list.
“Highly sensitive people are often thought of as weak or damaged goods. Feeling intensely is not a sign of weakness, it’s actually a trademark of the truly alive and compassionate.” ~Anthon St. Maarten
There are some words that get painfully imprinted on our memories like a hot poker. For me, growing up, those words were “You’re too sensitive.”
When someone attacks me with cruelty and superiority as a means of justifying their cruelty, I often hold on to this phrase to my embarrassment.
They may have said something hateful or condescending in private or told embarrassing stories or outright lies about me in public.
Either way, the results were the same: I would take it personally, become emotionally overwhelmed, then either explode in anger or sob.
But it was not just cruelty that aroused sensitivity in me, and I did not cry only when clearly provoked.
Well-intentioned people who usually treated me with kindness would gently remind me when I overanalyzed small things other people did, like taking a while to call me back or “making faces” after I said something I thought was stupid.
Or maybe they spit out this sage observation of my character when I took criticism seriously, struggled to let go of something painful, or experienced someone else’s pain deeply and intensely as if it were my own pain.
It was as if the whole world could see that there was something clearly wrong with me. But I couldn’t change the way I saw, experienced, and reacted to life.
He had no idea how deeply this sensitivity extended far below the surface.
They had no idea that my mind was a web of constant reflection related not only to my own experiences, but also the suffering of everyone around me.
They had no idea how tired and overstimulated I often felt, and how showing up in a crowded or noisy environment required great strength (which I often had to muster, growing up in a large Italian family).
They had no idea how often I felt stressed, anxious, and restless because my nervous system was so worn out.
And I didn’t know there was a biological explanation for all this. It wasn’t until years later – decades, really – that I came across the term “highly sensitive person” and finally understood that my brain actually processes information and reflects it more deeply than the non-HSP brain.
Over the years, I have learned to accept that some of my traits and behaviors are part of being a highly sensitive person.
I learned that HSP:
- are highly perceptive and empathetic
- feel everything deeply
- absorb other people’s feelings and be able to tell when something is wrong
- Pick up subtleties that others may miss
- increased intuition
- Feel easily tired or overwhelmed in noisy, chaotic, or otherwise overstimulating environments
I also learned that some of my past behaviors were reactions to my sensitivity, for example:
- overanalyzing what other people say or do
- assimilating judgments as truth
- Judging yourself instead of respecting your needs
- Drinking alcohol to numb yourself in over-stimulating environments, rather than avoiding them or attempting to restrain yourself
- Ignoring my intuition about people or situations that weren’t good for me
- Taking on everyone else’s pain instead of setting boundaries
Although I am by no means an expert in navigating life as a highly sensitive person, I know I have come a long way over the past few years. I still experience the world and my emotions intensely. But I feel less like a rag doll in a fierce whirlwind and more like a deeply rooted tree that may lose some of its leaves but can ultimately endure a terrible storm.
I’ve learned to take care of myself, respect my needs, and worry less about what other people think about me. And I generally don’t judge myself as harshly as I once did.
It helps that I not only have a toolbox for self-care—including meditation, walks in nature, and taking long baths—but also an arsenal of lessons to remember whenever my sensitivity gets the better of me.
If you can relate to anything I’ve shared, and if you frequently feel tired, embarrassed, or criticized, perhaps these reminders may be helpful to you now or some time in the future.
when you feel tired
1. You are only responsible for your emotions. You can’t take away everyone’s pain, and if you did, you would be robbing them of the chance to move forward.
2. You don’t need to fix someone else’s problems. Just listening is enough—but you can only listen for so long before it becomes too much.
3. You don’t have to put yourself in an environment that overstimulates you, and choosing to do something different doesn’t make you weird or less fun.
4. It’s not worth forcing yourself to do something if you know you won’t enjoy it and will feel tired.
5. You can choose to listen to your gut instead of your worries. If you feel like you need to let go, but you’re worried about how you’ll be treated, focus on the voice that knows what’s best for you.
6. Other people and external circumstances can destroy you only if you let them. You have the ability and right to set boundaries at any time.
7. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
8. Sleep is not a luxury; You need adequate rest to handle the many emotionally draining parts of life.
9. The most important question you can ask yourself, at any time, but especially when you feel overwhelmed, is “What do I need right now?”
10. It doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing. Even five minutes of deep breathing or a quiet exercise like yoga can make a huge difference.
when you feel ashamed
11. You can’t control or change that your nervous system is highly sensitive, and you can’t help that you process everything deeply and experience emotions intensely. You wouldn’t feel ashamed of the color of your hair or eyes, so why feel ashamed of something you were born with?
12. Sensitivity is not a weakness; It is the source of your understanding, compassion, depth, and creativity – which means it is truly a strength.
13. There is nothing “wrong” with you, and you are worthy of love and respect just as you are.
14. You are not alone. According to psychologist Elaine Aron, who Wrote a book on HSPHighly sensitive people make up fifteen to twenty percent of the population.
15. If someone else has shamed you for your sensitivity, or dealt with it ineffectively because you didn’t know any better, you don’t deserve it.
16. Your embarrassment comes from the story you’re telling about yourself—and you can tell change that story To be more kind at any time.
17. You don’t need to “fix” your emotional intensity. You just need to keep track of your emotions so that you are less likely to get caught up in them.
18. You are not what you do. If you engage in behavior that you regret when you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed or highly aroused, you can simply apologize, forgive yourself, learn from the experience, and move on.
19. There is no shame in crying. It really helps release stress and pent-up emotions, and it’s a sign of immense courage if you allow yourself to cry rather than resisting the vulnerability.
20. If you sit with your embarrassment instead of trying to numb it, it will eventually get to you. No emotion lasts forever.
when you feel judged
21. For every person who may judge you, there is someone else who will love, value, and accept you just as you are.
22. You don’t have to understand or like everyone; You just need to understand yourself and be kind to yourself.
23. What other people think about you is their business, and their opinions and judgments can only harm you if you let them.
24. Just because someone else says you’re “too sensitive” doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong or that you need to change.
25. If other people don’t value you, they are missing the opportunity for a deep, meaningful relationship with someone who will always be there for them and will never hurt or criticize them.
26. If someone evaluates you, it is a reflection of where they are in their life and development, not who you are as a person.
27. Just because someone belittles your feelings, doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid.
28. You have the right to end the conversation at any time if someone is dismissive of your feelings or violates your boundaries.
29. It’s okay to walk away from a relationship if someone consistently devalues, disrespects, or hurts you.
30. Just because you Thinking Just because someone is judging you, doesn’t mean they mean to. Their silence, distance, or mood may have nothing to do with you.
—
Of course, it is much easier to write a list of lessons than to remember the most useful lesson at the time when it might be most helpful. In the distant and recent past, I have struggled to remember these insights at times. But it’s not about perfection; It’s about awareness and practice, as is everything in life.
Read it, print it, put it somewhere you’ll see it often, and perhaps you can imprint these thoughts in your memory, as deeply but not as painfully as the criticisms you may have heard over the years.
And if you only take one thought into your day, let it be this:
We are not flawed. We don’t need to toughen up or develop a thick skin. We don’t have to “man up” or “suck it up” or stop caring so deeply.
The world doesn’t need more protected people armed with indifference and bitterness. The world needs more people who are not afraid to reflect, feel, and love with such an open heart that they are filled with empathy and kindness.
The world needs us sensitive souls so that we can see the beauty that others cannot see and create beauty where it would never have existed if we had not filtered life through the kaleidoscope of our unique perspective.
But we can give our best when we take good care of ourselves, even if other people have different needs; If we value ourselves, whether others do or not; And we remember that decision is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to control or define us.
**This is an old post I shared years ago that was popular on the site. Since I’ve been a little tired and behind lately, I decided to share it again for the benefit of those who haven’t read it before and also to take a little bit off my plate!
