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“Sometimes people hurt us because they’re wounded and tell us we’re broken because they feel that way, but we don’t have to believe them.” ~Lori Deschene
Age and healing do not make you impervious to moments that can bring you back to the kind of trauma you experienced as a child. This does not mean that you are broken, but that there is still room for further improvement. There is nothing inherently “wrong” with you.
I experienced a lot of trauma in my twenties, I was actively remembering the sexual abuse I suffered in my childhood, and I found myself in and out of mental wards to process my grief. When I turned thirty, I thought this was my life now and I would never find peace, especially since I had no great reference points for it.
It was not psychotherapy or medicine that saved me, but a spiritual connection with myself. Integrating things like meditation, prayer, and living a life of service to others helped me get out of that whirlpool. It’s been three years now, and I still haven’t set foot in a mental hospital. Additionally, I have been able to stay financially active, make friends, and achieve many goals.
However, I met someone earlier this year who I’ll call Brian. He was unlike any man I had ever met because he was extremely powerful but also extremely raw. When I met him, I thought, “This looks familiar.” He looked a lot like me. And I wanted to know this man more deeply. Was he also a wounded soldier like me?
When we spent the first night together in a romantic and gentle way, he tried everything possible to spoil our relationship. He backed off, started getting hot and cold, and started bringing up other women to try to make me jealous, which he later admitted was meant to test me.
I could tell she didn’t like that I could literally “see” her. Energetically, I could feel his pain, and I supported him as he spoke about his trauma. And although I didn’t technically want to “save” him, I felt relieved that I met someone who embraced the same painful duality that I did. This gave me a feeling of some camaraderie. This made me feel tender towards him.
Even though our chemistry was amazing, he didn’t see me that way. When his attraction waned, he became extremely mean, repeated the pattern of ignoring me, coming back and eventually apologizing and making me feel special. Whenever there was a rift in our dynamic, he would blame me for it. In short, he was incredibly critical of me while I kept making excuses for him.
However, being hospitalized several times in my twenties left me with so much self-doubt and self-loathing that I felt that, in fact, I was the problem – and that was me. Lonely Problem. At this point, I was still driven by the belief that enduring pain was part of real love.
I began to regress into this dynamic, falling into the self-destructive patterns of my childhood, such as disordered eating and cutting, and I began to feel depressed and anxious.
When I told him this, he made it clear that I was alone in the feelings this dynamic evoked in me. But because of my old wounds, I felt like I had to keep earning her love back in order to heal. It was absolutely pathetic.
Ultimately, I noticed that Brian could never face or accept the fact that even though we had an affair – and he kept coming back –He He couldn’t maintain intimacy because of what arose inside him. Instead, he presented it as if I had done something that “pushed” him away or alienated him.
I’m sure that at times, I was insensitive for being more clingy than most women my age. But this does not justify his outrageous actions. At the same time, I now see that his inconsistency and withdrawal have further increased my need for reassurance.
Now, I’m not a judgmental person based on what he went through, but at some point, I had to see his abuse for what it was. He would punish me with silence for weeks, name-call me, and use leverage like money to maintain control.
Eventually, no matter how tenderly I felt in the beginning, I had to let it go. The conditions of our dynamic became abundantly clear: I had to be destroyed, or at least minimized, for him to flourish.
There was one night when he said something particularly horrible to me – something about me being “broken inside” – which shocked me because of the inherent cruelty of the comment. You know, knowing that I’ve been through a lot of sexual abuse. When I was clearly upset by this, he chalked it up to me being overly sensitive. And I doubted myself because of where I was before.
I shouldn’t have done it. It’s a terrible thing to tell someone. But it took me a long time to realize that he was not a good person because I had constant self-doubt since childhood.
After we broke up, I knew I had to work on it to avoid situations like this in the future.
Was I an ideal partner? Hell no. Can I work on improving some of my relationship habits? Yes. But did I deserve the abuse and silent treatment? Absolutely not.
Here are some tips for remembering who you are when toxic childhood shame clouds your judgment.
1. Remember that in many cases, you are attracted to people because of what they say about you, sometimes good, sometimes bad. If they bring up a lot of feelings of shame versus love, you still have to work on yourself.
2. It may seem like going through hell with someone else at least gives you company, but sometimes the quality of that company can really derail you. Be wise about who you decide to wage spiritual warfare with.
3. Even if you Are Being a little out of place or a little broken (you are human, after all) should never be an excuse for someone to treat you dumbly or extort money from you.
4. It is better to put off looking for any meaningful relationship until you have a clear sense of who you are and what you will and will not tolerate.
5. Enduring pain does not equal love. This is equivalent to pain. Choose wisely!
These are principles I wish had been clear to me when I was fighting this dubious journey back to myself. My biggest regret was that I stayed in this relationship as long as I did because of all the past self-doubt and self-loathing that weighed on me.
Life is short, and we don’t have to endure cruelty just because we still have healing to do. We don’t have to be completely okay to find kindness and emotional safety.
About Monica Viera
Monica Vieira is a published poet and creative entrepreneur, best known as the author journey back to the stars. She blends lyrical storytelling with themes of healing, growth, and self-discovery, inspiring readers around the world through her emotionally rich and imaginative work.
