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“Be kind, because everyone you meet is fighting an uphill battle.” ~Ian McClaren
A friend recently told me a story about her mother that stuck with me.
They spend some evenings hanging out together around her mother’s apartment building – part exercise, part ritual. His mother doesn’t like small talk. She usually keeps her eyes forward as she passes people in the building. There’s one woman in particular who always says, “How are you?” Years ago, his mother would answer. Now she doesn’t. She keeps walking.
My friend felt confused. A part of him understood. The other part felt uncomfortable. He said, “Sometimes there’s no point in saying ‘I’m fine’. It’s just being cordial.”
Without thinking, I replied, “It takes energy. And she’s tired.”
And then I heard myself. I wasn’t actually talking about his mother. I was talking about myself. I was tired.
seeing yourself in the story
As my friend continued talking and adding more context, I realized. I could see how much of an impact I had made on her story.
Sometimes when I’m running outside I don’t make eye contact with people – not because I’m not friendly to anyone or on top of anyone, but because I want my body to keep moving without being pulled out. I want to stay within myself.
Sometimes I can’t get through to a customer service representative on the phone – not because they’ve done something wrong, but because I don’t have the capacity for emotional support. Small thing. Softness was meant to help me accept “no” more easily. I don’t want to apply butter. I need information. i want to be complete
And sometimes — this is the part that many middle-aged women who have always been caregivers are embarrassed to admit — I don’t want to spend my energy like candy anymore. Like money, energy is also a commodity and many of us are running in losses. There is just nothing left.
Energy is not infinite—it is allocated
Energy is not infinite in any system – biological or otherwise.
In physics, energy is conserved, not endlessly generated, and in living systems it must be carefully allocated. The nervous system runs on limited resources, and prolonged emotional labor, vigilance, and over-responsibility come from that same limited supply. When those stores are overdrawn for too long, the body does not ask permission before conserving; It just happens.
Social connectedness, emotional buffering, and accountability are often the first things that should be reduced – not as a moral choice or relational statement, but as a biological necessity. In these moments protection is not selfish; It is a system that obeys its limits.
For many of us, especially those who have codependent caregiving patterns learned in childhood and reinforced by society, energy is often spent reactively rather than consciously. We learned quickly to scan, anticipate, cool down, and adjust. We learned to say “I’m fine” even when we weren’t. We learned that being pleasant, sensitive, and emotionally available helps keep things stable.
With time, it increases.
When you’ve spent years doing extreme work emotionally, relationally, practically, even small interactions come at a cost. eye contact. Tone modulation. Humility ritual. Emotional buffering. These things aren’t wrong, but they aren’t free either.
After all, the body starts making decisions before the brain fully understands what’s happening. And when this happens, people often mistake the deficiency for a personality change.
When stopping isn’t a limit—it’s triage
There is an important nuance here, especially for those of us who are used to giving.
This is not the sophisticated, empowering version of boundaries we often talk about. This is not clarity born of abundance. This is triage. Sometimes energetically or emotionally saying no isn’t about a priority. It is about consequences that have eventually taken over the body, even if the mind has not yet followed them.
If I don’t conserve, my health suffers. My kids pay. My work pays. And the few people I’m closest to don’t get the full version of me.
Research on burnout shows that long-term emotional labor and over-responsibility often lead to emotional withdrawal as a protective response—not because people care less, but because their nervous systems have become deranged (Maslach & Leiter, 2001).
If you are in this place and you feel guilty, the choice you are making for protection is not wrong. It’s that your brain’s conditioning has not yet caught up to what your heart and gut already know. For many women, giving means security. Availability meant familiarity. So even when the supply inside you runs out, the reflex still persists. You probably don’t realize that you are trying to save what you have left.
This does not make you feel cold. This means that your nervous system has reached its limits.
The risk of judging character rather than ability
When we evaluate someone’s character without taking into account their abilities, we miss what’s really going on. We moralize exhaustion and call it rude, disinterested, selfish, or rude. We label survival responses as flaws. Not everyone who is quiet is rude. Not everyone who separates is indifferent. Not everyone who stops performing is making a statement.
Some of us are simply protecting the last places where our energy still matters most.
So for the person who feels guilty even when she has nothing left—whose body starts saying ‘no’ even before her mind fully understands, who has learned, often the hard way, that giving a little to everyone can mean being left empty where it matters most—if this is you, you are not failing at kindness. You are not becoming a stranger.
You are responding to years of overwork with the only signal left by your system. And this deserves understanding, not judgment.
About Allison Briggs
Alison Janet Briggs is a therapist, author, and speaker who specializes in helping women recover from codependency, childhood trauma, and emotional neglect. She blends psychological insight with spiritual depth to guide clients and readers toward self-confidence, boundaries, and authentic connection. Alison is the author of the upcoming memoir On Being Real: Healing the Codependent Heart of a Woman and shares thoughts on healing, resilience, and inner freedom. on-being-real.com.
