Sometimes life gets too much for us all

The truth about last year and how I’m returning to coaching

Or it feels like it anyway.

I’ve been trying to write this email for weeks, but somewhat ironically, am MASSIVELY overthinking it.

“I’ve been gone for ages, I can’t just return with a normal “top tips email”! There are things I want to say”.

Followed very quickly by “DON’T SAY THOSE THINGS, PEOPLE WILL NEVER TRUST YOU AGAIN”.

Round and round in circles. 

It’s something I help my clients with, how to break that cycle of indecision. And right now, I’m breaking the cycle by taking messy, imperfect action and writing the damn email anyway. 

See there are things I want to explain. 

The end of last year was HARD for me. 

And I didn’t realise at the time quite how hard I was finding it.

I always try to be honest with you, because I really want to be open about mindful living. It’s not all rainbows and sunshines. I’m not perfect, I still have hard days. I still struggle to make basic decisions sometimes or with thinking that I’m a crap mum / coach / wife / friend.

But last year, I couldn’t be honest with you, because I wasn’t even being honest with myself.

I was trying so damn hard to hold it together, to do all the things, that I wouldn’t let myself acknowledge how overwhelmed I was feeling. I kept saying “it’ll get better when Matilda sleeps more / the girls are older / my hormones sort themselves out / I’m not breastfeeding etc etc etc etc”.

And here’s the real bummer. 

In many ways, being a mindfulness coach made it harder. 

In hindsight, it both makes me feel sad and makes me laugh. 

It is literally EXACTLY what I teach my clients. 

If you’re saying “it’ll get better when..” there’s something you’re avoiding.

But also hard times are normal. Mindfulness doesn’t stop them. It just helps you cope with them better.

It’s a massive paradox. We need to believe it can get better now and stop pushing our happiness down the road, while also fully accepting how hard it is and not wishing it was different.

And last year, I refused to do that.

My pride got in the way. I kept using superficial mindfulness techniques, while forgetting the big stuff.

Until something clicked. 

Christmas was coming, and while I said I was looking forward to Matilda’s first Christmas, I wasn’t excited like I usually was.

Things like getting the tree, choosing presents, arranging dates with friends, felt like a chore, like one more thing on my to-do list.

It was the wake-up call I needed.

I removed everything non-essential from my life. I allowed myself to fully acknowledge how hard I was finding things. How I wasn’t enjoying being a mother of two, even though it broke my heart to admit that. I removed all the self-judgement I’d been applying about “being able to cope” and I treated myself with kindness.

And because I was able to catch it relatively early, I was able to spring back. I had a WONDERFUL Christmas (for real). 

And since then, things have got better and better. 

Yes I still struggle to make decisions and I still overthink things and I still have hard days (Matilda getting chicken pox while my husband was away was a particular highlight). 

But there’s a softness in me now. I don’t feel like I’m gritting my teeth and getting through it. I love being a mum again (thank goodness! I can’t tell you how much it scared me that I was destined to always feel stressed and never enjoy motherhood again).

And I feel a happiness deep inside me, something which was diminishing last year. 

I tell my husband multiple times a week how much I love our life, and I mean it.

Rather than “I love the idea of our life and the fact we’re lucky enough to have two healthy kids and a house and a cat BUT…”.

I plan to take it slow. And for now, I’m not returning to social media.

I’ve been brainstorming ways to run a business without it (it’s my main source of meeting new clients) and I’m optimistic for the future.

I don’t have all the answers. 

But my self-trust is back and if my new ways of meeting new clients don’t work, I’ll try something else.

So that’s what I wanted to say.

That sometimes, life gets too much for ALL of us. That mindfulness can’t fix everything. It couldn’t make the end of last year running a business with two very young kids and very broken sleep feel good.

But it could give me the awareness to pull back and put myself first WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY.

It could help me re-asses my priorities so I could get back to feeling good (because when you’re in the midst of it, EVERYTHING feels like a priority. But trust me, it’s not).

And while it feels bitter sweet to have not enjoyed a lot of Matilda’s babyhood, I am SO SO grateful that I turned it around when I did and I didn’t push on any longer feeling like that.

If you take anything from this, I’d love you to reflect on how life really is for you right now.

Is life feeling great, even though there are challenges? I really hope so. 

Or are you telling yourself that it’s great, when actually it’s feeling pretty damn hard. If so, I’m sending you so much love, but know the first step to change is noticing where we are.

Sending you all SO much love,

PS. if you’re telling yourself life is great when actually it’s feeling pretty hard, and you think now might be the time to make it genuinely great despite challenges, it would be an honour to help you through that.

Why not book a free call and we’ll see if my coaching can help change things? I offer a money-back guarantee if not.